I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
–Frank Sinatra

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven’t met yet…

Hey, did you here the one about the…?  We all need to smile and laugh and we are here to give it to you.
Life’s tough… Sometimes we need more than a break, we need a good belly busting laugh!  It’s good for the heart and it’s good for the soul…
Below are scores thoughts, stories and sayings to tickle your funny bone!  but we always need more!
Have you heard a good one lately?  Please provide it in a comment… we all need a laugh!
 Celebrity Quotes

I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don’t need anger management.  I need people to stop ticking me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment.  Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights.”  I’m just very wise.

My people skills are just fine.  It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than “please.”  I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.

I’m going to retire and live off of my savings.  Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops!  Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.

–Timothy Walsh

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
–Anonymous

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
–W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
–Henny Youngman

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk, and go to heaven…
–Brian O’Rourke

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
–Dave Barry

You Know It’s Time to Diet When….

You dance and it makes the band skip.
You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”
You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
You could sell shade.
Your blood type is Ragu.

HOW TO IRRITATE YOUR ROOMMATE

Bring in potential “new” roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, “Oh, him/her? S/he won’t be here much longer.”

Don’t shower for three weeks. Complain often about the stench. Demand that your roommate do his/her laundry.

Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If s/he asks about it, say, “Oh, that damn hypnotist….”

Don’t Say This to the Police.

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
Are You Andy or Barney?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.
When the Officer says “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

ARE YOU STRESSED?  LET EVERYONE KNOW…

Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Earth is full. Go home.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
Chaos, panic, & disorder — my work here is done.
Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Virus Warnings

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.

PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORETTA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows

Signs You May Be a Fundamental Atheist…

You think that the primary aim of an omni-benevolent God is for people to have FUN.

Although you’ve memorized a half a dozen proofs that He doesn’t exist, you still think you’re God’s gift to the ignorant masses.

You believe the astronomical size of the universe somehow disproves God, as if God needed a tiny universe in order to exist.

You spend hours arguing that atheism actually means “without a belief in God ” and not just ” belief that there is no god”, as if this is a meaningful distinction in real life.

You can make the existence of pink unicorns the center-piece of a philosophical critique.

You’re a spoiled fifteen year old boy who lives in the suburbs and you go into a chat room to declare that, “I know there is no God because no loving God would allow anyone to suffer as much as I…hold on. My cell phone’s ringing.”

You believe that if something cannot be touched, seen, heard, or measured in some way, then it must not exist, yet you fail to see the irony of your calling Christians “narrow-minded”.

You believe that priests are only in it for the money, despite the fact that they make less than almost anyone else with their level of education.

Your only knowledge of The Bible comes from searching ‘bible contradictions’ in Google.

You believe the movie Dogma gives the most accurate portrayal of Christian theology.

Jesus vs. Elvis: A Comparison

JESUS was a carpenter.
ELVIS’ favorite high school class was wood shop.

JESUS said: “Love thy neighbor.” (Matthew 22:39)
ELVIS said: “Don’t be cruel.” (RCA 1956)

JESUS was part of the Trinity.
ELVIS’ very first band was a trio.

JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
ELVIS surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)

JESUS’ entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
ELVIS’ entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

JESUS said, “If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.”
(John 7:37)
ELVIS said, “Drinks on me!” (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)

JESUS said: “Man shall not live by bread alone.”
ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

JESUS’s mother, Mary, had an Immaculate Conception.
ELVIS’s wife, Priscilla, attended Immaculate Conception High School.

JESUS had his famous Resurrection.
ELVIS had his famous 1968 “comeback” TV special.

JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land.
ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.

 Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. God knew that as Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve…
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, “I can do better than that!”

 OFFICE INSANITY

Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunch room. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

RULES OF ORDER

1.  I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
   2 . I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
   3. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
   4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
   5. I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
   6. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
   7. My reality cheque has bounced.
   8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
   9. I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
   10. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
   11. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
   12. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
   13. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
   14. Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
   15. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
   16. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
   17. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
   18. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
   19. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
   20. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
   21. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.
   22. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
   23. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
   24. Following the rules will not get the job done.
   25. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

 Notice to Employees:
(includes part-time workers)

SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors’ statements as proof of illness. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LUNCH
If you really must eat, eat at your desk. Any time spent heating lunch in the microwave will be deducted in five minute increments.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained and paid for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY I
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room ONLY once the contractions are five minutes apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour’s leave without pay.

DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to your departure.

This new benefit program started yesterday and all penalties will be retroactive.

The Management

Workplace Vocabulary

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton’s Grand Jury testimony is another.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.